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In Which the Clue is Always Stripes

Last night I had a dream that I was doing many, many things.  The dream was disjointed.  Here are the highlights:

– I tried to stop a Japanese wife smuggling ring that was operating out of a college kitchen.

– There was also a drug smuggling ring.

– My high school boyfriend and I went through the entire gamut of a relationship: Seeing each other from across a room (while knowing that we had dated before), eating together in the same cafeteria where the aforementioned wife ring was taking place, holding hands, getting into an argument about said wife ring, breaking up and then having a long discussion about how it will be hard for us to remain friends – but we could try.

– Me running a triathlon that started with us on bicycles at the top of a huge ramp.  At the bottom of the ramp was the ocean.  Participants were required to ride down the huge hill and launch into the ocean while still holding on to the bike. I remember that I was still trying to hook my lifejacket when it was my turn to ride.  Once underwater, my glasses turned into goggles and I could see that there were other riders in front of me who were getting into fistfights underwater while still riding their bikes. Suddenly we were running up the stairs of an ancient ruin – bikes nowhere to be found.  We began to run while also removing helmets and lifejackets and other things.  Instead of discarding these things, I discovered that I was still carrying everything.  I ran into my old marathon buddy K and we started to “run” together.  “Run” because I was still laden down with all of my things including the gym bag and purse that I had picked up along the way.  The ruins turned into a castle with extremely tiny staircases, nooks, and crannies.  After chasing K for awhile, the run turned into a scavenger hunt/trivia contest.  One of the clues lead us to a tiny room inside the castle that had a full entertainment system.  K read the clue which was about a military movie from the 80s starring Bill Murray. I yelled Stripes and we popped the DVD into the player.  For some reason, Bill popped on the screen and started yelling about wifi access.  All of the characters also had blue-white glowing eyes with electricity sparking around them.  “Wifi” was apparently the next clue so K took off running again.  I desperately tried to keep up with her as we climbed tiny staircases and squeezed through tiny caves.  While struggling with all of my luggage I asked K where she had dropped all of her crap.  She told me that she had a friend she gave it to earlier and that she would never run with as many chickens as I was carrying anyway.  I became embarrassed and said that I didn’t mean to bring the chickens with me anyway!  Another clue! Chickens? No.  BIll Murray again.  Back to the DVD room.  While trying to figure out another clue, I started to remove all of my bags, helmet, and the cycling shoes I had been wearing this whole time.  K figured out the clue and started to run again as I reloaded myself with everything except my shoes which turned into the rental shoes from Earth Treks Climbing Center in Rockville, MD.  Somehow, K and I became separated but I could still see her through a tiny crack in the cave wall.  She was talking to me but I could no longer hear her. I spent the rest of the dream running up and down the same tiny staircase – ending up in the same tiny room filled with clues which all lead me to the same DVD of Stripes.  

And then I woke up.

Naturally

This past weekend was a Huge Event at work.  One of those Huge Events that makes me grit my teeth 24/7 and have weird dreams like this:

In dealing with a married pair of non-US performers, the husband asked me if I needed to create a contract for his wife since she doesn’t have a SSN (IRL.)  In my dream, I dreamt that I was with the husband at a coffee shop and he said again that his wife didn’t have a SSN and pointed to the ground.  I looked down and saw a tiny orange kitten.  It all made sense!  Of course she isn’t eligible to work in the United States!!  Cats don’t have social security numbers!!  I was, however, very impressed that this tiny kitten was a world-class pianist. 

Play us off, keyboard cat!

Mountain Goats and Laffy Taffy

Last night I had a dream that it was New Year’s Eve.  I was with 4 other people, two of whom I know to be coworkers from my office although I’m not completely sure who the other two were.  We were not at a party.  We were not at a bar.  We were sitting in someone’s living room, completely silent.

I remember that I kept standing on the couch to look out the window at my car that was alternately parked on the street and not parked anywhere. 

I remember that we were debating what we should watch on television until we finally agreed to a re-run of Law and Order: SVU. 

I looked at my watch and saw that it was 12:27am and I thought “33 minutes until New Years!”  (wrong)

I remember snuggling up in a blue and white blanket that was definitely the one that covered my twin bunk bed in elementary school.

The next thing I knew, I woke up and realized that I was covered individually wrapped pieces of Laffy Taffy which I discovered had been thrown at me as punishment for being the first person to fall asleep.  I looked around until I found a lemon candy and as I popped it in my mouth I realized that we wouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow but naturally I had scheduled 4 walk throughs with clients who were never going to actually have their event at my venue.

Then, at 5:18am, I woke up to this song that has been playing in my head since Sunday night.  Thanks, Walking Dead! 

I NEED A FRIGGIN CONTRACTOR!

Last night I had a dream that I was on Property Brothers.  Swoon!  For some reason, I was helping my parents remodel their house as opposed to my own house. We were in the process of clearing out The Back Room (aka Where All The Stuff Lives) and my (loving, wonderful) family was being of no help.  I kept asking them “Could you just help me for 5 minutes?  Just 5 minutes!” and every time I came back into the room, they would all be sitting on the couch again, playing on their phones. 

The real Back Room has a full built in bookshelf across one wall, 3 couches, and a China hutch. The Back Room in my dream had magical places where new furniture would just appear each time I left the room carrying an armload of crap. Usually the new piece of furniture would appear in the middle of the room and would be filled with a random assortment of goodies: namely a weird conglomeration of handmade Christmas ornaments (in June) and a collection of cooking utensils that can only be used while camping. 

In the process of carrying a stack of vinyl from The Back Room to my parents bedroom, I found myself walking into my grandmother’s kitchen.  She was standing by the sink, rinsing out old fashioned milk bottles.  I asked her where she found them and in an incredulous voice she said “Lindsey, these are from the old days when they delivered milk to your doorstep.”  She didn’t mean to sound like I was an idiot but I immediately began backpeddling to explain my reason for asking.  (Simply put: my coworker has a large glass bottle with a screw on top that he uses for juicing.  I want one.  Any leads?)

I walked back into The Back Room to find more tiny pieces of furniture with Mary Poppins Purse-like hiding spaces and my family on their phones again.  I explained that Jonathan (swoon) would be back soon and we needed to get a move on.  I also wondered where the magical behind the scenes crew was and why there weren’t any cameras. I also realized that I was wearing my pajamas (a tank and my scotty dog PJ pants) and slippers.  And no bra.  And I was reminded of a (true) story of when I was working at the scene shop in college in the earlys aughts when the style was for girls to wear those skinny camisole/tank tops out as regular shirts with either a completely unsupportive or completely non-existant bra underneath.  At work one day while stacking flats (“back to front, front to back, that’s the way we store our flats”) and the freshman girl working with my got her boob trapped between two flats.  Our foreman (who looked like a lumberjack and had the sensibility of a mysogynistic lumberjack) waited until she left the area and turned to me and said “YOU need to tell her to wear a bra to work.”  Freshman Girl walked back as he finished the sentence so he yelled to her “Damnit Leslie!  Wear a fucking bra tomorrow!”  Once everyone was sufficiently horrified by his outburst, our shift ended and we meekly walked out of the theater into the world.

The moral of this story is, I need a contract in Virginia. 

And then there were day-glo spiders.

Last night was a whirlwind of Husband coughing so loudly that he woke us both up three times, three weird mini dreams, and a hallucination about gigantic day-glo spiders. 

First, the mini dreams.

1. I dreamt that I had a baby.  Or rather a toddler that looked like a baby. The ToddlerBaby made its presence known by running up the bed and throwing its arms around me.  I remember feeling happy that I had this being but then immediately upset because Husband was going to work and hadn’t told me to find a sitter.  ToddlerBaby then became incredibly small and started crawling underneath a set of dressers that we do not own while chasing the cat.  Husband and I watched for a minute, impressed by the general speed of ToddlerBaby and also its ability to be small enough not to smash its head on the bottom of the drawers.  Husband left soon after us having an discussion about the number of times ToddlerBaby has been left at home alone.  “Only for a little while” was the general consensus. I was debating sending out a Facebook post asking for sitters in my neighborhood before I realized that I wouldn’t know the person and thus wouldn’t trust them with ToddlerBaby.  The house suddenly became quiet and I realized (or rather tried to convince myself) that I never had a ToddlerBaby and could therefore go to work.  I slowly walked down the stairs mimicking the scene in The Hobbit where Bilbo tries to figure out what the dwarfs are doing in his house but he doens’t want to draw attention to himself. 

2. I dreamt there was a bird in the house.  I saw it fly from the living room into the office out of the corner of my eye.  When I looked at it, it was a small sparrow-type bird sitting on the hanging light fixture.  I remembered a time when we had birds in the old movie theater where I used to work and thought “I need to get a towel.”  I ran to get the towel and was able to catch the bird that had now morphed into a large pigeon with a damaged foot.  I carried the bird outside and released it.

3. Upon waking up this morning, I realized that I felt rather under the weather, unsurprising since my house has been home to some sort of evil mutant flu/cold/cough bug since late last week.  After Husband left for work, I promptly fell back asleep and dreamt that I was debating calling in sick to work but arguing with myself since a client assured me that she would come to the building at 10am to drop off a check.  At the time of writing this, it is now 11am on the nose and she has yet to arrive.  In my dream, I finally woke up at 11:10am and texted Boss Man to tell him I could be late.  In reality, I woke up at 8:49am and made it work by 9:35am. 

Now, the hallucination.

Since Husband has been sick since last week and I started to get the tickle in my throat last night, I decided that I would try to knock myself out with some Nyquil.  It helped in the sense that I fell asleep about 15 minutes after getting into bed. A record for me! It didn’t help in the sense that I woke up a few minutes later thinking there were giant hairy spiders crawling on the wall above my head.  Huge spiders.  I grabbed my pillows and sat in the middle of the bed trying to convince Husband that the spiders were there.  I grabbed my phone and pointed it at the wall like a flashlight.  Naturally, the spiders became invisible with the light but when I put my phone back down, I could see them again.  One of them was black as night against my navy blue wall but the other one started to glow in the dark.  I started to get aggitated and told Husband that I was going to turn on the light.  He told me not to turn on the light but I did anyway, sure that I would prove him wrong about the spiders.  I proved him right and then returned, dejected, to my pile of pillows in the middle of the bed.  After a few terrifying minutes, I decided that even if the spiders existed, they were now hiding somewhere else in the house and I could safely, albeit hesitantly, go back to sleep.

Which I did. For about an hour until Husband started to cough in his sleep.  He coughed so hard and so long* that he woke me up and then himself up and then told me that he coughed so hard and so long that he woke himself up.  Repeat two more times. 

And such is the life of a narcoleptic with hypnangogic hallucinations and her Husband who refuses to go to the doctor to get real cough medicine.

 

 

 

*That’s what she said.

 

Dream Z14

Last night I had a dream that a group of girlfriends and I were going to see the film version of 50 Shades of Gray.  Naturally, there was a couple with a 3 year old child because anyone can be a parent these days.  I bring this up not because it played any part in the rest of my dream but because this is one of those things that makes me Hulk-smash angry.  Every time I go to the movies there is always a child there.  And I very rarely see kid-friendly pics. 

But I digress as the dream will momentarily.

As the movie was playing, we were all standing in the front talking but it didn’t seem to be bothering anyone because no one will be going to 50 Shades of Gray for the dialogue.  As we were standing around talking, another friend came up to tell us that yet another mutual friend had passed away suddenly.  In the dream, a real friend’s name was actually used and I think she was actually representing my actual friend.  I have since checked and she is alive and well.

Hulk-smash cut to me running down the sidewalk.  I was definitely just on a regular run but there was also a sense that I needed to run a certain distance and while the reason was unknown to me, I knew that it had something to do with my friend’s death.  My running path took me up and down the street where I grew up as a child but I was an over-sized version of myself.  I could see my feet and they were normal sized but I was just bigger than everything around me.  (I feel like this has to do with the fact that I ate my face off yesterday.  Thanks Aunt Flo.)  I ran past a neighbor’s house and then immediately turned around and ran back to my house. I entered my parents house which transformed into my grandparents house as I ran up the stairs and into the guest bedroom.  This staircase added a mile to my overall total. 

Side note – I wish that staircases actually did add miles to your step total for the day.  The number of times I have to walk up and down the stairs because I forgot my tea in the kitchen downstairs or left a dirty glass upstairs in the living room…it would be a lot of steps.  I’m really absent-minded.

Absent-minded and forgetful because I don’t remember how the dream ended.  Let’s just say that it ended with me turning into a giant turtle and flying into space to fight mutant insect robots in the ultimate battle for Earth’s survival against the evil overlord Great Snarks the Third, ruler of the distant planet Shackelfrancs Z14.

 

In which I lose the Husband to a Concussion and a Giant Wave

Last night, I had a dream that Husband had a concussion.  In my dream, we were back in college but we were working on a play for our current company here in DC.  We were rehearsing in our old rehearsal rooms on the 4th floor of University Hall but for some reason, we just couldn’t find them.  We spent so much time running up and down the stairs trying to reach the 4th floor but we could never get there. At one point, I separated from the group and took a single person-sized elevator that had a button that said “Don’t yeh fucking touch it.”  I tried to get a picture but my memory was full on my phone. 

I finally found the rehearsal and arrived just in time to see Husband get hit in the head with a bust of Mark Twain.  Holding the bust was the stage manager.  I ran up to her and asked her why she had done this and she said “the rehearsal was never going to end and I was hungry.”  She called dinner break and I looked up to see the group start to wander down the stairs which were now located in the BGSU Ice Arena where I had spent many a weekend while growing up. 

The group kept moving and trailing behind was Husband. I told Stage Manager that he had a concussion and as he came into view, I could see that he had a huge purple bruise on the side of his head.  I told him that he needed to sit down while I called the EMTs but he just started to giggle and then ran out of the building.

We chased him across the street which was now the 1A in South Beach.  As we chased him, a huge Tsunami came between us and he was gone.  But not in a scary way – no – the sun was still shining and the weather was beautiful but he has just disappeared.

As the waves receeded, there he was, sitting on a park bench.  Just…waiting. 

And then my alarm went off for a full hour before I got out of bed and I still wasn’t the last person to work!